Updated: Feb 21, 2019
After my personal liberation from a completely fucked up life of violence, murder, drugs, depression & hopelessness I wanted to start giving back in hopes that it would eliminate this feeling of finding my true purpose. I was so ill with hatred & misunderstanding. I wanted to get into charity work to escape it but wanted to make the most impact so after I got into feeding the homeless I figured politics would be a great route to go. I participated deeply in the 2016 election & researched my own cities politicians and came across a variety of different malpractice schemes within the system. By the end of it all faith in it was lost. The more I researched the topic the more I came across crazy headlines like "WE'VE BEEN BRAINWASHED" & that intrigued me. So I read into it more and came across a fucked up little fact: 6 corporations in America control 90% of our everyday media. From the news to mainstream movies. I don't know about you but I don't like to be programmed without my consent.
I learned fast that if I wanted change I couldn't leave it up to these untrustworthy individuals. It would have to be done myself. I see what the programming has done. It has desensitized our humanity & way of life. Our entire sense of self and how we think have been altered and we don't even realize it. We live to fit in and it's only natural to try to understand what the majority of the people around us are doing. We are the most adaptable creatures on the earth especially when it comes to behavior. We all know what we do wrong in our hearts so I'm not going to preach. Its not about making mistakes, that's inevitable. Its about learning from them that matters. I'm also not going to preach to you about God because to you it's not about that either. At this point of your existence if you're reading this you probably have learned that the only person you can truly trust is yourself. I don't blame you for questioning if you should even believe me writing this now. Its what you should do. Question everything. But do your research and trust your intuition so you aren't just a paranoid fuck.
Its hard enough taking in all of This without being forced to act like it means nothing when you're super asleep friends are always slowing you down. Let them go. You know which ones. They'll reach this point you are on now eventually. Its an awakening the entire world and every human must go through at different points of your life. How old are you today? Remember these moments as monumental ones in your souls journey. Who do you care about? If somebody were to die close to you that you would truly be impacted by who would that person be? Start there. At times we lose ourselves. I know I did it wasn't until I had the most personal near death experience I ever faced.
My organs were shutting down & all the years I wished to die flew out the window the moment I seen my parents break down and cry listening to the doctor say I might not make it. It felt like I had already died. Friends Dissapeared and some friends stayed and told me how Dissapointed they were of the things I did to get me there. Nonetheless I survived I promised I pleaded if there is a God I would gather all the courage I could to give my life to serving Him. I had little chance of recovering but even though I lost parts of me I'll never get back I survived. I continued my recovery everyday for my mother not only to Let her know I'll never hit rock bottom like that again but to also prove to her getting passed my own negatives and "demons" is actually possible and I was proof. I went from depressed, suicidal & full of hate, greed, resentment, hopelessness & rage to patient, understanding, determined and self educated through hours of deep research. I taught myself that if I couldn't afford for an institution to educate me I would do what it takes to educate myself. This drove me farther than my desire to help a charity. I learned that if I want to help anybody else I must learn to help myself and to do that I must first protect myself from opposing mentalities and lead by my heart. Which is something the media programmed us to do since forever. By choosing to accept money to publish such uneducating films, shows, news and music without proper disclosure of it's damage to our intellect. I was mad at the media & even my own family for not teaching me how to protect myself from such misleading material but in time I realized they are even more programmed than we are as the younger generation. Then I felt pity & desperation to save myself from the pits of confusion & total hatred towards the word. It would only lead to me losing myself again. I almost died living that life. I must try doing things differently.
With love, unafraid of people's judgments. I realized it was my duty to be myself no matter how different that was. & preaching these things to a bunch of people who are lost will only result in them turning their backs on me. The more I gave into this fear the more I had the desire to learn how to find away to get over it. & it was only in isolation did I achieve that. The more I was alone with my own desires & not influenced by negative or unproductive people & media my thoughts were able to become concrete morals that hardened & became stronger in my soul. Once I mastered that part of me I cried less, got taken advantage of less in relationships, desired unproductive relations & sexual encounters less, had less bursts of anger, resented others less and my ambition and belief grew. I no longer wanted just to survive. I wanted to THRIVE. Achieving material things became so easy to obtain & even more unfulfilling. The most beautiful partners disgusted me with their greed and arrogance towards having won my love. I no longer tolerated abuse or the manipulation of my heart and mind. It was hard breaking my attachment of people But it was even harder seeing everybody develop their own ways of happiness as I stayed miserable and hopeless believing there was no way for me. I realized the only person stopping me is ME.
I shouldn't be scared of doing something until I meet a true opposer. Then will I crawl up in a ball & retreat from their judgments? NO! I will fight! With our minds until enemies can take no more. They will surely strike us in shame of being outsmarted. Which is why we should choose our battles wisely & not let our egos get us killed. I suggest to learn what an ego death is (Google It). I experienced one on my journey & It was extremely helpful. If you don't experience a sudden ego death which is extremely emotional and unpleasantly awakening feel lucky you can induce this phase consciously (aka less painfully) through research acceptance, faith, practice and understanding. You must research what ego death is and what It is achieved for. Then practice integrating it's lessons into your everyday life. When I finally understood & tamed my ego my eyes opened to what I could do and not only saw what I "shouldn't" do in society's eyes. I stopped limiting myself and tried my best to be true to myself even If I was scared of judgments even from my own parents. This is when I truly found my true confidence and in that confidence a new world opened up to me. & for once I became excited again. Something I couldn't do since I was a small child. I became excited for my future, excited to live in happiness, & to teach myself how to be successful just being me and using my own skills & gifts.
It wasn't easy it has been 5 almost 6 years. And I admit I get lost & misguided for hours, days, weeks & even years but I've learned all things happen for a reason, even distractions. Just always remember your deepest lessons & never be too proud to learn from another. You are exactly where you are suppose to be. If you would like to learn more & join a community of supportive people on this same journey as you please visit http://bit.ly/2wIKcuY. You are definitely not alone.
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Thank you for reading and I wish The best to you on your path. 🙏🙏