Updated: Oct 20, 2017
I know the world is a cruel place, it forces us to be somebody we never wanted to be. You look around and see a bunch of careless and heartless people just worried about themselves and their possessions. It gets sickening and more and more unbearable everyday. You end up doing things you later regret and acting in ways that directly conflict with your inner beliefs. You feel like the pain will never end and the world would be better off with out you but you're so far from the truth. I'm here to tell you there's a way out. But before I tell you how...I need to tell you the basis of who you are. The secrets of the universe we live in and the power all human beings have and also the natural weaknesses. Once you are aware of the illusions our minds create to keep us safe you will understand that you can control your entire life and everyone in it from harming you in any way by teaching yourself how to be aware of your brain's behavior. But first I ask that you take a very deep breath in.................................................and out and clear your mind of all the noise inside you mind and soul. There is more out there that you need to know, before you decide to leave this lifetime.
I once thought there was no control, that I was destined to always be misunderstood and under somebody else's shadow. Always comparing myself to others, never feeling like enough. Trying my hardest to fit in and please others and always failing. I either let down or got let down and couldn't realize that if I knew how to do things differently I could still achieve what I wanted and be who I wanted without wasting time sulking over mistakes and feeling like nothing will ever work. I was too blinded by making everyone else happy and wishing they would change and treat me better I didn't realize I didn't treat myself any better than they did. I hated everyone and everything including myself. Every time I cut my wrists I cut them deeper, punishing myself for the things I didn't know. Some people drown themselves in alcohol, sex, and violence but I went to over the counter medication...well.. after the alcohol and violence didn't make anything better. It started as a fun thing to do with friends but as we all parted ways, I didn't stop. I was a zombie 24 hours a day so I didn't have to think of how hopeless my life was and as it got worse so did my desperation to make it all stop.
I contemplated suicide everyday of my teenage years, it just got stronger everyday after I was held hostage at 12 and sexually assaulted. My mother was sick and I just felt like another burden on my father's "things to take care of" list. I was losing weight fast and couldn't sleep, I stayed in bed all day and , I pushed my parents away, family and all my friends, and had horrible social anxiety. The day I finally tried to quit cold turkey, my withdrawals put me in a hospital bed where I fought for my life as my organs slowly shut down along with my mother's hopes for my life. My prayers for God to end my life were finally being answered, and contrary to my imagination where I entered a white light away from all the pain and agony, it was actually the most horrific moment of my life. I thought my life would flash before my eyes, but all I could see was my loved ones breaking down crying and their life getting as bad as mine, flashes of my friends finding out I'm dead, my mother killing herself because I'd be the 3rd child she lost. There had to be more to life than just all this pain I went through. I realized everything that lead me to that moment didn't even matter if I was dead. Nobody who broke my heart was there, nobody who neglected me was there, nobody who bullied me was there, nobody who called themselves a friends there, nobody I bent over backwards and exhausted myself for was there. It was just me. I tried to convince everyone how great I am so they could honor me the way I do them, so why is being alone with just myself so bad? Like everyday of my life, it was always just me, and if I depended my life on anyone saving me at that moment I wouldn't be writing this write now.
Nobody was going to save me just like nobody is going to save you. Nobody can save you. Just like nobody could've saved me at that moment. Just like nobody knows how to save their own lives, let alone another. It was I either give it my all to keep myself alive or keep letting myself fall into the blackness of a coma. I thought I was fighting the world my whole life, turns out I was only fighting myself and if I didn't start fighting for myself instead of against it my life will never mean anything, like it always has up until that day. I decided to stop making things worse and forget about everything else for two seconds to make a promise to myself before I lost my life.... I promised if I made it I would change. That it was my life and I would no longer let anybody control or manipulate it anymore. What is the point of listening to everybody and everything else when it just makes things harder on us? If you're doing it for them it makes no sense to not follow your heart to do what you need to to be successful for them. It is OUR life, not theirs. When we cry, we cry alone. When we get treated poorly, we feel it alone. When we get bad grades, we have to fix it alone. When we lose someone close to us, we all grieve and learn to live with it alone. If we didn't focus on being acknowledged by the people around us, we would give ourselves more credit and realize we're fucking strong! There is nobody who can make us jump off that ledge but us. Not even if they told us to jump, not even if they screamed in our face to do it. We must first make the decision to give in. We have that control over our lives. We just have to learn how to develop and strengthen that power.
It is not going to be easy. When I first got out the hospital and finally committed to not letting anyone control my life I had a lot of work to do. I went a long way the wrong way and now I had to make up for it. I had to learn myself, my boundaries and how to enforce them, what I wanted, who was in my way, how I was going to tell them no and how I was going to define my goals so I can achieve them. I had 2 routes I could take to accomplish what I wanted for my life.
1. Start an entirely new life away from all of my family and friends with basically with nothing. Get a job, find a roommate to help me pay the bills and let someone I barely know into my personal life as I go through my incredibly horrible recovery. Or,
2. Lay down some rules within my family and the people most effecting me to make living with them more tolerable and beneficial to all of us, instead of biting my tongue until it bleeds.
I also had to lay down some rules within myself. Like how I would speak up for myself even if my voice shook, or how i would have to let down and offend a lot of people I cared about in order to do that. But to be happy, it must be done.
I chose number 2. I went and got my GED which earned me some respect from my parents for a few weeks and their ear which I used to finally stand up against them and their "You WILL listen to me because I'm your parent" attitudes. I told them what I need and what I cannot tolerate. I collected enough courage and thought for days before I sat them down and told them why I wanted to die in the first place. I stopped acting like the things that hurt me didn't effect me. I screamed at them and I told them everything that they did wrong and why they failed me. I stopped holding it all in and for the first time they apologized too. They cried as I spilled my soul to them and I could see them breaking down too. But I couldn't let them, I told them that I forgave them, that I knew that they have their own demons just like I had mine, a revelation I had learned when I almost died. I finally felt free and it gave them the door to tell me how the world failed them too and how they struggle to keep it all together every day. I realize this is not the life they wanted either but as I was, they were also drowning out their pain in their own ways. I finally seen the world as human, with its mask off and it triggered something in me. My life was truly re-beginning with new eyes and I was then focused on building my strengths.
I wish I would have known I wasn't alone this whole time. But there is something that I recently discovered that blew my mind. During my self-discovery I experimented with LSD for the first time and after all the breakdowns and realizations it gave me, I felt a strong need to meditate. I felt channeled for a moment from something I just cant explain. Remind you I wasn't a religious nut at all, so it was hard to believe I was having such a vivid spiritual experience, at first I thought I was hallucinating. I tried to shake it off so much, the woman's voice that was channeling me told me that I wasn't going crazy and in order to get the message she was trying to give me, I needed to calm down and listen.
What she told me was that I was put on this planet for a reason and so was everybody else here. She told me that we all have spirit guides like her but only some people are open-minded enough to actually follow their guidance they give us via our conscious and thoughts. She told me there are forces in this world that are trying to hold us back. Most of what she told me was very enlightening but the most disturbing thing she told me was how easily these energies can get a grip on our minds and alter our realities, they've integrated these methods of blinding us into everything we interact with in our lives. From what we watch to what we eat, they've programmed us to not look inside ourselves for the answers, because they know how powerful we can be if we reach our maximum potential, mentally & physically. The LSD opened my mind and allowed me to connect directly with a higher dimension, the ones where the energies of our higher selfs are. They said we can overcome any obstacles the negative forces throw at us because we now know their tactics and can learn how to deprogram ourselves of their brainwash and protect ourselves. They are human just like us, just very broken and damaged producing very corrupt individuals.
We want to kill ourselves because we feel we cant fit in without breaking everything we touch, that means we want to do better, those people don't. They live off of hurting and destroying other peoples lives to get what they want. They lie, they brainwash, they blackmail, they steal, they rape, they kill. They are everything we would rather take our own lives than stoop down to be. Instead of owning up to their issues, they ignored them, let them eat them up slowly, then tried to hide them by abusing others and forcing themselves to be someone they never wanted to by taking what they don't know how to earn for themselves. I'm not telling you this to scare you, I'm telling you this to let you know how special you truly are. You are warriors and very honorable, but we need to learn how to apply your desires and drives to better benefit you and your soul's purpose, once we figure out what that is.
If we awaken ourselves, we will awaken those around us and then they will awaken others and so on, eventually stopping their constant flow of money and control over us and everything around them via our awareness and unwillingness to participate. These people with selfish agendas are the reason we are financially obstructed by ineffective occupations, why criminals never get true assistance to not reoffend, why our schools are failing our children, why we are getting no energy from our foods, why our families are underpaid and over worked causing abuse and neglect, why everybody is for themselves and will never own up to the way they mistreat us. Most likely they were mistreated as well and so were their parents due to this psychological trance that has been going on for generations and has contributed to all of today's chaos.
So I will end this article with this. Before you decide to end your life, just know we all have a special purpose that we need to discover to eliminate these heartless leaders that govern us and the ones we love. If you are reading this and you want to know why me? Well it's not just you, some are just better at hiding it then others. But it's happening to all of us. Everything that you have gone through was to toughen you up and teach you what you need to know to defeat these people and our own demons to set ourselves free, some people don't get this information before it's too late. Gratefully, that's not the case with you. Please stop putting your future in other people's hands and letting them distract you, focus on learning and strengthening yourself and I promise everything you ever wanted will fall into place. We are stronger than these corrupt people and their agendas. We have love, passion, drive and desire!
Don't ever give up hope.
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