Updated: Oct 5, 2017
From personal experience and hearing so many of my friends go through this exact subject one of the quotes that gets thrown around the most is "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and to be frank I'M SICK OF IT. You may be saying to yourself "that's something a cheater would say" and guess what? You're right, and I'm not proud of it. There was a time in my life I didn't have the courage to admit my mistakes and say I don't think a relationship is working out. Especially at the expense of someone I generally cared about and didn't want hurt. I was a coward and afraid of breaking someones heart by just breaking up with them so I selfishly went behind their back to escape the pressures of being with someone I knew didn't make me happy.
Most of the time this never led to cheating it simply led to my partner getting extremely mad I didn't tell them where I was or what I was doing. I truly was always just working at the studio or hanging out with my friends. This led to an even bigger argument about me not caring about their feelings and being selfish. Over time and this same scene repeating I lost respect for them and grew exhausted of their constant nagging. I became bitter, annoyed, verbally hurtful and other things I'm not proud of. The fact they did nothing but nag and didn't have the courage to end it only made me face the same reality as them, we were both cowards but if someone didn't step up soon we would destroy each other. At that moment in my life my ex happened to come back in my life and I was truly vulnerable and confused. Some may think I'm making excuses but I was not nearly as strong then as I am now. I know I should have never responded but out of desperation for someone to relate too and for someone to understand me, I did.
I remembered the first time I was cheated on and I began to convince myself as I lived on she will too. I remember my first loves callousness and betrayal and how horrible I felt but any compassion and respect I had for my current partner left when she would destroy my things, put her hands on me and shame me and my family in the heat of our altercations. Maybe a deep part of me knew only cheating will force her to accept the decision I tried to give her long ago through my unattached nature. Cheating was not my first attempt to show her this was not working. I told her I was unhappy many times, after every argument actually. She would just agree and when it was time to separate she would breakdown that she had nowhere to go and her life was nothing without me. I barely had the courage to tell her it wasn't working I could never have the courage to send her off to her demise on my conscious.
I continued to stay and be used and manipulated. I continued to let her live a fairytale and false life and she did up until she found out I was happy spending time with someone else as she lived under the security of my home and finances as she manipulated me to keep so she didn't have to take hold of her own life. If it was going out, spending time with another, or chasing my dreams I will never regret that, but what I do regret is not having courage to stop it before it got so far. I ended up doing the same thing I hoped I'd never do.... Hurt her.